31. Billingsgate

‘Good morning sweetheart.’

I feel Tosin’s daddy’s hands touch my cheek and try not to turn my face away. 

‘I’m sure my clothes were able to keep you warm last night.’

I refuse to look at him and the hand that is touching my cheek squeezes my face forcing me to look at him. My eyes sting but I force myself not to cry. Tosin’s daddy hates it when I cry. It’s the reason why he made me sleep in his closet. 

‘When I speak to you, you look at me. After all these months we spent together, you still haven’t learnt.’

Months? Has it been that long since daddy left me here? My eyes sting more and I close them just so my tears don’t fall. I hate daddy. Why did he have to bring me here and leave me for so long? Doesn’t he miss me? Even when mummy was still around and he would leave me and mummy in the house alone for days he still came back. 

I hate you so much daddy, but I wish you would come back and take me away from here. I’ll do whatever kind of work you want me to do. I don’t even care if I don’t eat just please, please come and take me away from here. 

‘Sweetheart, why are your eyes shut so tightly?’

I open my eyes to see him squatting in front of me. 

‘You know I don’t enjoy seeing you in pain… unless you need to be punished.’

I look up and stare at the top of the closet. Daddy is never coming back. Mummy left me, Daddy left me even Tosin who brought me to his daddy’s room left me. Nobody wants me. Right now, it’s only Tosin’s Daddy that wants me and I don’t know how long it’ll last. I don’t know what to do.

‘Why the fuck are you crying you piece of shit?!’

Crying? I slowly touch my cheek and notice that it’s wet. 

‘I haven’t even touched you and you’re crying! You know I hate seeing those!’

He says this while pointing at me. I quickly use my hands to wipe at them but it’s too late. He pulls me away from his closet and to his bed. 

‘I’ll give you something to cry about.’

There’s a feeling I have in my stomach. It’s the same feeling I had when daddy pulled mummy from the cupboard we were hiding in while playing hide and seek with daddy. The same feeling I had when daddy hit mummy. 

I try to stop him, it’s as if my hands are moving on their own but he slaps me hard across my face. I can taste blood but I can’t stop, I just can’t. 

The more I struggle, the more he hits me until I can barely move, barely see. 

All I can do is lay down on his bed and watch him. This time, I allow my tears to fall. I’m just so tired. Tired of struggling. I wish I could just leave like mummy. Mummy is so lucky that she is no longer with daddy. I wonder how that’ll feel, not being here anymore. 

‘Oh sweetheart, you see what you made me do.’ 

He says this while cleaning my tears. 

‘If only you just lay quietly like I taught you to.’

I’m barely able to hear what he’s saying. Why can’t he just leave me alone? 

‘You look horrible. You’ll have to hide in the closet till you heal. There’s ice in the freezer.’

I don’t know how long I’m laying on the bed but when I wake up, I’m alone in the room. My body aches all over. I need to quickly leave Tosin’s daddy’s bed before he comes back. 

I force my hand to grab the nearest thing to me and whatever it is falls to the ground. Pushing myself with the little strength I check to see what fell. It is a small knife. I remember seeing Tosin’s daddy cut himself while using it to peel oranges. Seeing his blood drip from his finger as he hissed in pain made me happy. I wasn’t sure why but now I am. 

Ignoring the pain, I slowly get up off the bed but the pain is so much that I fall on the floor. My side hits the floor first causing hot tears to stain my chicks but I use my hands to clean them. Now is not the time for that. While on the floor, I use my hand to feel for the knife. The sharp pain on my finger helps me know where it is. I pull it slowly to myself and carefully lift my chest to hide it. Then I blackout. 

‘You stupid girl. I told you there’s ice in the freezer and to hide in the closet only for me to come back and see you sprawled on my bedroom floor naked! What if my son walked in on you?! Fuck!’ 

The sound of his voice wakes me and I hiss when I feel something cold on my body. 

‘Don’t move around too much.’ 

I try to pull out the knife from under my chest but I can’t. My arms feel so heavy. 

‘Stop trying to move. I’ll just carry you to the closet, don’t worry.’

He’ll carry me?! What am I going to do? What if he sees the knife? 

I try again to pull out the knife but my arm won’t listen to me. 

He’s going to kill me. 

All I can see is mummy laying on the floor and that thick liquid coming out of her. 

Will that be me? 

He lifts me up gently off the floor. 

‘What the fuck is this?!’

The pain I feel when my body touches the floor is worse than the time daddy hit my head against the wall. 

‘What did you plan to do with this?!’

I’m barely able to turn my head to face him but I already know what he’s talking about. 

‘I can see you’re broken. It’s about time I change you.’

I see his feet walk away from me and I’m relieved. I thought he would kill me but then I see him walk towards me again and I feel like throwing up. 

He goes down on his knees and I can feel air on my ear. I can feel the bumps grow on my body.

‘You will always be my favourite toy.’

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